03/13 August Vipassana I

      A retreat away from civilization to cancel any relationship with the outside world.

      An immersion in the nature by prohibiting any possible virtual profile or apps on the phone.

      Time organized by few activities; meditate, sleep and eat (only twice a day). Anything else banned.   
   
      The noble silence and the emptiness of any words, gesture, or a gaze towards each others.
      My self and... just My-self.

     There were times when I felt in exile from that no stop war of my doubts. Days when I was laughing of a prison that I was free to leave when I wanted and anyhow I couldn't escape from. Hours when I just wanted to pretend to participate and then I would sit for 11 hours for our daily meditation, and with back and legs full of pain, they did not look to participate. Moments when the mind and body rebelled and my 'ego' condemned them to the right thing to do.

     And then there was the great fear.

    One afternoon, in the great hall for group meditation, with curtains holding back the light, the conditioner taming the heat, I was concentrated to find equanimity, serenity of the mind. Suddenly I opened my eyes, a raising palpitation, the darkness all around, the uncontrolled sweat on the skin, I automatically went out. I grabbed a big glass of water and drink endless sip. I took a second one and then on the third one I start to slow down. At the last sip I realized I was afraid of something.

    I asked the course manager, Dirk, a funny and space-out 70-year-old Australian, married to a Japanese woman who looked like Yoko Ono. The only thing that answered me, as he looked at me like I had told him about my encounter aliens, to continue to remain calm and balanced in the mind, because all sensations, like that fear, are not permanent, they pass away.
    The Buddhist principle of Anicca, the impermanence of the rules and things. Nothing is forever. We are only atoms in transformation.
 
     And Dirk's response made me realize where I was, what that course stood for. He gave me some answers.

     For example: why some Westerners people after attending it become a kind of hippie afterward.

     Why the oriental truths, however very close to the twentieth-century science truths, are in the other end also very closed to any form of dialogue.

     Why indoctrination however good and honest it does not go very far.

     Why it is so difficult and not impossible to change our 'ego'.

     In 10 days you could see all the participants wandering aimlessly around the perimeter of the Vipassana center. People look at spider webs very puzzled, being fascinated at the hatching of a cicada's cocoon in an even uglier insect, washing the same clothes every two days with certain precision, avoiding snakes and at same time saying nothing to others because there was the noble silence, that could never be broken under any circumstance. Noble silence that during the night became Impossible silence. In my room, a 7-bed dormitory, there were three people snoring, all in different tones. Would this have been the cause of my great fear?

     There were also a number of characters who, given the impossibility of knowing them, assumed an image of their own.
     The Korean, because he has Korean features, turns out to be a German who works in an advertising agency in Shanghai.

     The manager of a 'Ramen' restaurant, this burly gentleman, with a belly and headband typical of a comic book cook is 'a team building facilitator'. He organizes activities for enterprise's employees, to increase support and group work spirit. He play 'kendo' and that he would have been away another a week from work, to stay in a forest and meditate under waterfalls.

      Mr. Acrobatic. A guy in the moment he got spare time it would start doing pirouettes on his head, balancing exercises. Instead, he is a sake distiller.

      Little mustaches. A guy who had thin, thin mustaches and no other facial hair. For sure he took a lifetime to grow them. He wears round-shaped glasses, he looked like the next Charles Manson. Instead he turns out to be a modest employee at the 'Canon', printers department.

      Yoga master. A slim, slim boy who did yoga every morning. He works as a history teacher in Taiwan, and has a very strong baritone voice, but he does not snore.

       Myself. A guy who sweated all day and couldn't sleep at night. Who was trying to force a meaning and especially at first he was ready to make only critics. One evening, in one of the last, lying on the bed, before closing his eyes, he feels some pain of the body but is not important, seeks a thought that worries and does not find it. So he tries to relax and the gong of the 4:00 a.m. indicates the starting of a new day.